Loss is a thing we all experience several times in our lives. It is never easy. It is mostly painful and often avoided. There are occasions where loss can be the best change possible.
Let's start at the beginning and see where the road takes us. When I was in kindergarten, my mom made a difficult, smart decision to surrender the family dog. Where we were headed was not a good place for him to be and he was a good boy. I know without a doubt he found a good, loving home. I know now it was the right move to make, but back then I couldn't believe the news. I was heartbroken, my first real taste of loss in a way I could understand. Fast forward and I have faced loss many times of varying levels. Even the constant threat of loss when an abusive person in my life continued to threaten to leave. And when he finally did, he left slow and tried to make that loss hurt. I'm only human, and at that time I was a teenager. It did hurt a bit, in the way losing a splinter hurts. There's pain and nearly immediate relief.
What a strange sensation to feel when losing someone who built a fair share of memory. Relief. Personally, this relief is something I've felt with a number of people, mostly male figures. I think everyone has "that" ex high school relationship we look back on and cringe. Hard. Mine was a special flavor of hard that lasted almost two years. This particular relationship includes manipulation, being held briefly hostage, and plenty of difficult scenarios. Like staying in secret communication for a few months after he graduated. Of course, as most of these relationships go, the last message came. It was over and this time the loss wasn't very confusing. I was glad it was over, maybe a bit miffed he ended things. I do remember feeling conflicted over my deep relief. Why did I feel relieved at this loss? Surely that wasn't normal. I mean, it wasn't all bad all the time. His family was a big factor in me being able to go to school in the middle of a particularly difficult time. Just like the last abusive person to leave.
Fast forward and I have met my older brother. This was a deeply bittersweet meeting, all my life I had wanted a brother. I was so excited for all the picturesque sibling bonding, to learn more about this person suddenly dropped in my life in the midst of tragedy. But we never really talked. Ever. There would be long stretches of time between very short conversations, if you could call someone prattling about alcohol and how poorly they are training their dog conversation. When he demanded to be the center of my attention in the middle of a crisis, harassed myself and my mom, and then blew up my phone until the battery drained itself all those sibling bonding dreams went up in smoke. Several months later after the least genuine apology he again tried to manipulate me, then questioned my sanity. Again with the conflicted loss. I was glad to be rid of a toxic person, glad that person removed himself from my contact list. I was still sad to lose another person. He is my brother and I swing between the idea that family is family and the idea that family can be made regardless of genetics.
In all of these examples, while these people did leave my life, and that loss did sting to some degree- I'm starting to see each "loss" less of a loss and more of a shift. Every time someone toxic has been removed from my life, the rest of my life shifted for the better. If a loss causes a change for the better, is it really a loss? I haven't found my answer, yet.
I wanted to take a moment to thank you for reading! Rooted in my Strength could not exist without readers like you, and I want to invite you to join my online space to receive immediate notifications and updates without having to check your email. Click here to join the community. While we're talking about updates, my webinar Essential Change is going live twice every weekend until just before Christmas. You can visit my Facebook page for more information, and while you're there give my page a like if you haven't yet!
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That's about it, folks. Let's try to finish this year strong and in kindness!
Peace to you,
Willow R.
Owner, Rooted in my Strength
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