October is the month where I fall apart. I am a fragile mess. Okay, I'm a fragile mess year round, but October is special.
Around 7 years ago I lost my father suddenly and horrifically. Because of the miracle that is therapy, I have discovered these wonderful things called emotions. Turns out I have become an expert in burying my emotions. It is only because of my wonderful therapist that I have started to learn how to recognize, process, and feel my feelings. October is the month where I fall apart, and this year has been unusually delicate for me. I have cried more often, felt more deeply, and learned more about myself than I could ever have imagined.
I am not ashamed to admit I feel shattered beyond repair. I still have yet to fully face how monumental the losses I've lived through are. This shattered feeling isn't going away any time soon. And that's okay. It is okay to not be okay.
Some days I see myself as an ongoing art project. A never-ending work in progress. Some days I see myself as a soggy grey mushy ball. I have days where I am on top of the world and days where I feel like the worst thing in existence. Mostly I feel like a walking, talking broken stain glass window. To the point where I struggle to breathe, like there's real glass in my chest and every time I inhale I'm stabbed.
Today I am a shattered, fragile, emotional mess. So my question becomes how in the wide world can I fix it? I still have to function, raise a daughter who deserves the absolute best of me. I have to run a business. I have a house to keep clean, a cat that desperately needs to be pampered (if you ask him), plants that need to be taken care of, and frankly it doesn't feel the best when I'm having bad days. How do I fix it? How do I fix me?
During the Muromachi period between 1435 and 1490 in Japan, the art of Kintsugi was developed. Kintsugi means "repairing with gold" and it is exactly what it sounds like. Mending broken pottery with a lacquer mixed with gold. The results are stunning, unique pieces of pottery that have been broken and came out the other side stronger and more beautiful than ever.
What a loving thing to do with something broken. Shattered. To carefully pick up every lost piece off the ground, blend and carefully pour a golden lacquer over the broken places. It is so easy for me to imagine how gentle to process must have been. Why is it so much easier to be gentle with ceramic things than ourselves? I know I am not kind to myself on bad days. And that needs to change.
Actually I have been trying to change how kind I am to myself. I have restarted my skin care routine, I style my hair and do my make up for fun, I bought a stepper and use it daily. I have even started changing the kinds of food I keep in the house. All these little things have helped in little ways. While niacinamide and hot rollers aren't going to cure the depression, and sweat is about as far from gold as I can get- I'm finding these things act as my version of Kintsugi. And it's been working. Piece by piece, this shattered work in progress is learning to add gold lacquer to their broken parts.
Peace to you,
Willow R.
Owner, Rooted in my Strength
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