I am a recovering wallflower. I was the quiet one in the group, at gatherings I could be found in the kitchen or in a corner with the nearest animal. Confrontations? I would smile big and internally scream. I have decided. No more.
Dear reader, I could tell you so many stories about all the things I never said. All the confrontations I wished I stepped in to help. The friendships I held on to for far too long. Countless opportunities I chose to pass up. Why? I didn't truly believe my voice had any value. I was so afraid of looking like a fool in front of anyone. I'll admit I'm still terrified of saying the wrong thing and potentially spreading misinformation, but learning takes time. No one is perfect.
I have decided I'm going to make up for lost time and use my voice. When I feel it's necessary let's not get too crazy. Fear is a silly reason to not do something. Again, let's not get too crazy, obviously fear has its place in countless scenarios, I'm more addressing the fear to speak up for what's right and talking to other people.
Throughout elementary school I won so many contests. Science fairs, essays, and reading tests were my jam. I never got a blue ribbon in any of these. I would question myself on everything, especially the things that I knew as fact. One of my favorite science fair projects was all about frogs, their anatomy, how they respond to their environment, and how they can be an early alarm for environmental issues. I had a dissection puzzle kit that I got to put together. I built a plastic frog, skeleton and insides, and poured a jelly over it to simulate skin. I went over and over the words for anatomy. I practiced my speech hundreds of times in my head. I spent so much time picking out just the right font for my trifold display. I went in that fair certain I'd finally earn a coveted blue ribbon. Every detail was perfect, down to my outfit. Every detail had been stressed over, checked and double checked. And it sank in. My old friend, anxiety. Of course in 3rd grade I didn't have the language to explain why everything felt wrong. I didn't understand why I lost the word "diaphragm" and spent the entire fair simply describing what it did. I couldn't grasp why I was stuttering and missing information and backtracking. What I did feel was the failure. The wasted time. I was devastated. Yes, reader, my 3rd grade self was devastated over a dissected plastic frog. And it all started over the fear of not being perfect.
It was that same fear that almost prevented me from participating in an interview for Dr. Mae Jemison. It was that same fear that destroyed my senior project. It was that same fear that ruined another science project later in high school. Fear of not being perfect and bad boundaries.
As a former wallflower I can confidently say speaking up, for any reason, is scary. Worth the stress, but scary. In more recent times, I've had to find my voice to keep myself and my kid safe. I won't go into details, who wants that drama? I will say speaking up hasn't gotten any easier. I have to constantly remind myself my voice has value and nothing is going to stop me from calling out what needs to be brought to light. Nothing is ever going to keep me from my future and my goals again.
Fear is such a funny thing. But fascinating. Did you know when the body experiences fear, blood is directed away from the heart? Fear is a physical thing, stress hormones are released. Heart rate, blood pressure, even breathing all increase. It becomes difficult, impossible even, to think or make decisions. We can feel fear over seemingly small things. Moths, noise, even certain smells can create huge feelings. With those huge feelings, it can be easy to let fear control everything. I have a favorite phrase to use in the face of fear.
Be afraid and do it anyway.
I worry about these blogs, and I post them anyway. I hate confrontation, but that will not stop me from keeping my kid safe. I am afraid of failure and I am succeeding anyway.
Your voice is valuable. You contribute positively to your world. Stand up and speak out.
Peace to you,
Willow R,
Owner, Rooted in my Strength
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